So this is my very first post in my very first blog ever. I'm posting it at 1 a.m on December 9th 2010 but I will be counting this as my post for the 8th because I've been working on it since before midnight. My goal is to write as least something in my blog every day. Warning this post will be extremely long because it's an extensive background into how I became an addict. But it's an integral part of understanding me so please take the time to read it entirely. I think this could be a really good addition to the biggest goal I have in my life at the moment, and that is to be sober.
My name is Ricky and I'm from Missouri. I'm a twenty year old gay male. Being gay is not who I am it is just one aspect of me. Like my gender, hair and eye color, and height. Like all of these things I had no choice in the matter. I'm also a recovering opiate addict.
My drug of choice is morphine. I fell in love with morphine from the very first time I tried it. My story is a fairly typical one I believe. I had a small anxiety issue but nothing severe. I was always never completely content with normal life though even from a young age. I had a huge addiction to online gaming. From around ages 10 to 14 I played 8-12 hours per day. I wanted to hide in my online personality. It was so much better than the socially inept uncoordinated weird kid I was. Online I could cast magic and wield powerful weapons and be whatever and whoever I wanted! Anyway fast forward to 15 and I get a job at the local McDonalds. I can honestly say this was the best thing that ever happened to me. It really brought my out of my shell. I gained a lot of social skills and many more friends. I stopped spending so much time in front of the computer and time with real people! It was around this time I wanted to try drinking. I got drunk a few times and really enjoyed it but I always overdid it getting way drunker than everyone else and eventually blacking out.
Probably a month after my 18th birthday I got a wild hair that I wanted to experiment with drugs. Most people get introduced into recreational drug use by their friends but I just decided to seek them out on my own. There were friends and acquaintances that I knew were drug users so I started talking to them about it. I had done plenty of research into it and I knew opiates were the drug I really wanted to try. The first opiate I ever purchased was Methadone. 10mgs of it. Funny that the first opiate I try happens to be a very powerful one used to help recovering addicts. Just a look into the future, eh? I never would have thought at the time that I would end up where I am now though. I don't think anyone does the first time they get high though. It's all fun and games for awhile. After that first experience with Methadone I was amazed, but I knew the dangers. I was very cautious with my use at first because I didn't want to end up an addict. I limited myself to only every other weekend. This worked for quite awhile actually, but then I found my own hook up for morphine instead of just random friends telling me they have a small amount. I was able to get basically as much as I wanted for super cheap and I was making more than enough money for a person my age so I could afford it. The first time I bought from him I dropped $200 and that was the first real drug binge I ever had... and boy was it AMAZING hahah. I actually gave a couple pills away to my friends that I was introducing into the drug. Looking back on that I know I've changed because I would never EVER EVER EVER give mine away now. But I would get sick(*1) if I did so that does play a part. I was still controlling my use pretty well at this point. I generally tried to keep it to weekends only. I would buy 10 at a time keeping 6 for myself and my friend(*2) would buy 4. This usually lasted us 3 weeks to a month. We basically got high and played video games together all weekend for about a year and we were able to keep it under control and it was really a lot of fun. Fast forward again to february 2010. This is when all hell breaks lose. I get a bout of depression from hell and start caring about really nothing. I turn to the only thing I know in life that can give me happiness and that was opiates. I used every day sometimes multiple times a day for months and months. One day I had a major panic attack after using i completely broke down and didn't want to live this life anymore. The life of an addict is one big terrible terrible circle. You wake up if you were thinking and planned ahead and have enough or saved enough drugs to get well(*3) then you use. Otherwise you scramble trying to figure out where you can get the drugs and how you're going to pay for them. That's the life of an opiate addict. Finding drugs paying for drugs and using drugs. It's not much of a life huh? But addiction really is a powerful disease and even though it seems like madness to a rational thinking person just think of the proverb "Before you judge a man first walk a mile in his shoes." I'm not sure on the exact quote I'm just paraphrasing. Anyway back to the story during this panic attack I drove to see the only person who really understood me better than anyone. My aunt Barbara. This was three days before her death and I really wish she was here to help me.... I basically exiled myself to my grandparents house with no car and went through cold turkey withdrawals. It was fucking HELL. Most of the physical anguish is gone within a week but the mental effects last up to a year and in the end it was this that got me. I read a statistic that 90% of all cold turkey attempts at quitting opiates end in relapse. I made it about a month. I believe my family thinks I just need to get past the physical withdrawal and then I'm home free but there is much more to it. The PAWS(4)* really get to you. This entire year has been consumed with my drug use other than about an approximately one month period. I'm done with this insane lifestyle. It's destroying my relationships with everyone around me. It cost me my job because I just could not work during withdrawls during the days I had no opiates. And it could ultimately cost me my life... A friend of mine has been really helping me a lot we're planning for 2011 to be the first year of the rest of our lives. We're making real plans and plan to stick to them. My first step on my road to recovery is to get into a Suxboxone treatment program and my next post will be all about Suboxone as I believe this one is long enough.
*1 Sick is the slang term from someone suffering from opiate withdrawals. This is because the withdrawals essentially mimic a terrible terrible case of the flu that can last from weeks to months depending on the opiate in question.
*2 My friend never became physically addicted. He was able to control his use much better. I told him of my need to quit and he is being very supportive and quitting with me.
*3 Getting well is slang for using enough to no longer feel withdrawal symptoms.
*4 PAWS is an acronym for the period after abstaining from a drug called post acute withdrawal syndrome. These symptoms generally include memory impairment, mood swings, increased anxiety and severe depression.
